Tigers 14, Dodgers 5: The Game That Never Happened

Sigh. Look, what do you want, really? We haven’t missed a game recap yet, and we’re not going to start now, but come on. We should probably remember how much fun this was for the first few minutes, when the Dodgers jumped out to a 5-0 lead in the top of the first against Justin Verlander, who, after striking out Dee Gordon, allowed four straight hits, got Andre Ethier to fly out, and then gave up a Juan Uribe home run. Wasn’t that fun? That was so much fun.

But then, well, I wanted to say “the wheels fell off,” but that insinuates the wheels were ever on in the first place, because Hyun-jin Ryu was horrendous. Sure, he made it through the first inning, but in the second, he gave back every single one of those five runs on eight hits and a wild pitch. After he allowed another in the third on a walk, single and double, he was out, and that Jamey Wright, Chris Perez, and Paul Maholm all contributed to the carnage afterwards certainly didn’t help.

It also didn’t matter. As bad as Verlander looked in that first inning, he was able to make it through six without further damage. But look at me, actually trying to lend some analysis to this game. I don’t want to. I don’t want to talk about the great play that Yasiel Puig made to nearly throw out Torii Hunter — he did, at first, before it was overturned — or the defensive plays that Miguel Rojas made or that Don Mattingly got tossed out after the game was well out of hand or that Miguel Cabrera tripled. I don’t want to do that, because I don’t want to act as though this game ever existed. I’d rather think about tomorrow’s 10 a.m. start that features Zack Greinke against Max Scherzer.

Hell, Drew Butera didn’t even get to pitch. This game, the worst.