Cubs 8, Dodgers 2: Arguably the Weirdest Game Ever

So, here’s the thing about tonight. This game was so dumb. I mean, everything about it was the worst. I could probably just say “nope!” and be done with it, or spend a lot of words to say how awful Dan Haren was, but you know what, enough silly things happened that it’s more fun to rip off Chad and just show you. I mean, I’m not even mad; this team just won six games in a row. Things like this happen. Sometimes.

And that’s what I did. Except… I said that in like, the sixth inning. And then about five more stupid things happened, so in recognition of not having a post with 20 GIFs, I had to pick and choose. So the play where Carl Crawford swiped a ball from Yasiel Puig, and Justin Turner‘s great defensive stop, and Haren’s run-scoring wild pitch, and the play where Turner suddenly forgot to apply the tag to a runner on third, and the guy licking his girlfriend’s face as SNLA went to break, well, I wanted to show them, but I had to get choosy. And even without all that, I still probably have too much here. If there’s so much that it actually just crashes your browser? Well, consider yourself lucky.

In the first inning, Adrian Gonzalez tried to score. He did not, because that would have required touching the plate… and sliding like a human:

Gonzalez ended up leaving with a sore right knee because of this. He was one of the lucky ones.

As if Haren’s night wasn’t terrible enough on the mound, he had to go out in the third inning and get himself thrown out 9-3 from right, field, and not by a little, either:

You may remember Gerardo Parra getting him earlier this year. As best I can tell, Haren is the only man to be nailed on a 9-3 twice in a single season in at least 30 years.

Yasiel Puig, exhibiting how we all feel:

Despite Haren, the game was still tied in the top of the third when Matt Kemp tried to nail Starlin Castro at third, but Justin Turner couldn’t collect the short-hop throw, allowing two runs to score, and a third when Haren immediately threw a wild pitch after:

Haren somehow made it into the fifth, and proceeded to load the bases with one out before he was yanked for Chris Perez. Bet you can guess how well that ended; Perez immediately gave up a single to Welington Castillo.

Perez then got Nate Schierholtz to fly out to center, but when Puig threw a strike to A.J. Ellis…

Whoooops.

And then….

Whooooopppps.

ATTENTION: YOU ARE ABOUT TO REACH MAXIMUM PUIG.

I don’t even know what that was, but it was awesome, and it was ruled a run… and Puig immediately left afterwards with hamstring soreness, which led to the weirdest sight of all:

Andre Ethier, with a glove! What sorcery is this?

Then Paul Maholm came in, and… oh… oh, no:

Nice play, Scott Van Slyke, anyway. Yes, that’s three Dodgers who left due to injury in a single game, so look forward to a right fun short bench tomorrow, shall we?

To top things off, in the bottom of the seventh, the SNLA feed had technical difficulties, meaning many of us were left with only this view for a good 10 minutes:

Which was probably the best view of all. And through everything, the Dodgers got more or less shut down by Kyle Hendricks, as we figured they would.

* * *

So, what’s the upshot here? Despite how ugly this all was, it’s just a single loss, not one I’m going to lose any sleep over. But somehow, I doubt Haren is going to rest that easily, not after yet another atrocious start. It’s easy to say that you want him out of the rotation, and I don’t disagree; it’s just easier said than done. Matt Magill is a reliever now. Stephen Fife isn’t healthy. Red Patterson and Zach Lee aren’t really appealing. I’m starting to soften on the idea of using one of that pair in place of Haren, though I don’t know that doing so against the Angels next week is the right time. Either way, a change is coming, soon. It has to. I just don’t know what it is.